Bug Princess and the Seven Months
by Lady Norbert
Summary: After the revelation at the end of the previous story, Lydia settles down to wait. But when she succumbs to the power of an apple (no, really), it's up to the supporting cast to find out what's happened and put things right... because without his mortal morality chain to hold him back, BJ is more dangerous than they realized. Part 4 of the Contractually Obligated Chaos series.
1. Once There Was a Princess

**Bug Princess and the Seven Months**

A _Beetlejuice_ fan fiction by Lady Norbert

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** Well, there you are and here I am. You know, I did manage to update my _Fullmetal Alchemist_ series while taking a break from these stories, and I thought I would be continuing, but there's this poltergeist who won't stop chewing on my brain.

He and I are both delighted by the responses to the end of _Sleeping Beetle_. I was genuinely worried that people wouldn't really like the idea that there's a kiddo on the way, so to receive so many excited reviews was incredibly reassuring. And as you might have guessed, that's what's being referenced in the title - this story will follow Lydia and BJ through most of her pregnancy. (Naturally, the plot interferes.) The title is phrased the way it is to evoke _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs_ , which is of course the Disney fairy tale I'm abusing this time.

I want to give a massive shout-out to all my friends in this fandom, who have done so much for me! I've received a lot of really marvelous art, some of which can be viewed on the _Cinderjuice_ page at TV Tropes; others can be seen as the cover art for the stories on FFN, and even more can be found on deviantArt. This chapter also contains a specific shout-out to the wonderful _Cobweb and Stripes_ webcomic by my friend Ada. She did a little shout-out to my storyverse in a recent update, so I wanted to return the favor.

Lydia's dress in this chapter was designed by my friend Kristina, known as zellykat on here and deviantArt. She did a lovely yin-yang picture of Beej and Lyds, and I loved the dress so much that I had to incorporate it. Enjoy!

* * *

 **Chapter One: Once There Was a Princess**

* * *

Prince Vince, while highly regarded by his people, was not exactly the celebratory type. He marked occasions in his own fashion, usually by composing an epic poem of some sort and possibly inflicting it on a (literally) captive audience. But large-scale parties were, as a general rule, not his thing. However, a truly remarkable milestone required much more grandiose festivities. Or at least, that's what Lydia told him, and he tended to listen to his mostly-living honorary sister.

"The two hundredth anniversary of your ascending the throne is a really big deal," she insisted.

She was in the Outerworld, in her little house in the woods, and he was in his castle in the Neitherworld, conversing with her through the mirror in her bedroom there. They'd started having weekly mirror chats ever since she'd informed him of her pregnancy; after all, as Vince pointed out, the baby was a serious matter in both worlds. He liked to see with his own eyes that her progress was healthy. So they would each make tea and sit at the mirror and talk about things.

"I know it is," he replied, "but do you really think the people will want to celebrate it?"

"Why wouldn't they? Your people love you!"

"Do you think so?"

"Of course. And think how much fun it will be! You can open the castle, invite everyone of high or low estate to come and celebrate with you! Music and dancing and all sorts of revelry - it'll sort of be like a Renaissance festival or something."

"Well, that does sound pleasant," he admitted, "and many of my subjects did live through the real Renaissance. And you'll come, won't you? The whole Juice family?"

"We wouldn't miss it," she assured him. "Have you ever known Beetlejuice to skip a party? Perish the thought."

"I could even invite my cousins," Vince said thoughtfully. "Make it a Neitherworld royal family reunion."

"I didn't know you had any family."

"There are few of us, and they're rather scattered," he explained. "It would be nice to see them again, it's been several years."

"If you don't mind my asking - since you've never mentioned them - can you tell me how your family works? I mean, how did you come to be on the throne in the first place?" Lydia put down her teacup. "You've only been ruling for two centuries, so who was there before you?"

"Ah, yes, I suppose it's never really come up," he reflected. "Well, the Neitherworld is a principality, and my family has governed it since time immemorial. How the throne came to be ours, even I don't really know... the origins of the Neitherworld itself are extremely shrouded in mystery."

"Really?"

"Oh, heavens yes. Nothing makes a particularly large amount of sense around here, as I'm sure you've noticed. Sometimes I think Beetlejuice is onto something with all his speculation about the plot." He shrugged. "The Fairy Godfather probably knows, but you know how he is - he's unlikely to tell me even if I ask him directly."

"Unless he absolutely has to, you're probably right." Lydia chuckled. "But go on, how did you get the throne?"

"Well, as the years pass, a lot of ghosts get tired," he explained. "Not all of them, but some. So they tend to retire, as it were, to places like the Resort of Last Resort or similar locations in the more remote parts of the kingdom. There are also some who go beyond the borders, although it's unclear what becomes of them because we never hear from them again. In any case, my parents eventually chose to retire, as their parents did before them and so on, and the crown was passed to me."

"So you can actually retire from being a ghost?"

"In a manner of speaking. That's probably not the best way to describe it," he admitted, "but it more or less serves the purpose."

"I wonder if Beetlejuice ever had any inclination to retire," she mused.

"Unlikely. Retirement, for a ghost, involves surrendering most of your powers and all of your ability to interact with the living." Vince chuckled. "The boredom would probably cause him to combust. Speaking of Beetlejuice, how is he dealing with his impending fatherhood?"

"Oh." Lydia grimaced. "He's driving me insane, if you can believe that."

"Certainly I can believe it, sister dear. I'm only surprised it's taken him this long."

"Very funny." They both laughed, and she explained. "He's absolutely nuts about his kid, which is kind of cute, but he keeps fussing over me to the extreme. I get at least two phone calls a day while he's at work, and then when he's home he's after me about am I hungry, do I need another pillow, would I like a beetle - which I most definitely would not," she added. "Don't get me wrong, it's really sweet. It's just that sometimes it's a little much."

* * *

The father-to-be in question arrived home from work not much later, and immediately came in search of his wife. Once he found her and saw that she was feeling perfectly fine, Beetlejuice was interested to hear about the plans for Vince's anniversary celebration. "You think you'll feel up to it?"

"Beej, pregnant women have been attending things for centuries without any problems. I'll be fine. I'm barely even showing."

"Well, it'll be fun to show off Bug-in-progress," he mused, chuckling. "And he said he's inviting my whole family?"

"Uh-huh. You know, I think this'll be the first time I've been in the same room with your parents _and_ Donny at the same time."

"Brace yourself for a lot of fussing, then," he said amiably.

"Oh, is that what you've been doing? Helping me practice?" she retorted.

"Whaaaat? Ain't it my job to look after you?"

"Yes, I... oh, never mind."

"So - you hungry? I brought home a couple nice big juicy beetles from today's job."

"Beej..." She sighed. "Why do you persist in thinking I'm _ever_ going to want one of those?"

"Hey, bugs are a great source of protein!" he objected. "Besides, I don't think _you_ want one. But that's my kid in there, and he could have my appetite, so there might come a point where _he_ wants one." In a mockingly syrupy voice, he added, "You _always_ tell me I should be considerate of others."

Lydia heartily wished that Vince was still in the mirror. He would have been on the receiving end of the most long-suffering _I told you so_ look any pregnant woman ever gave anyone.

* * *

The formal invitation arrived just over a week later, along with a pair of packages. Lydia was hardly expecting anything from the Neitherworld to show up on her front doorstep, and she opened the first of the two envelopes with great curiosity.

"You are cordially invited to celebrate the bicentennial of the coronation of His Royal Highness, Prince Vince, Sovereign Lord of the Principality of the Neitherworld," she read out loud to Beetlejuice, who was loafing on the couch. "Looks like the shindig is next Saturday and we should expect to be there all day. But then what's all this?" She gestured at the two lumpy bundles, wrapped in brown paper and tied with string.

"Dunno. What's in the other letter?" he asked lazily, one hand rummaging through the contents of a bag of potato chips.

"Let's see." She tore open the second envelope and unfolded the paper inside. "Oh, well, that explains a lot - they're from the Fairy Godfather."

"F. G.'s being an interfering knob again, is he? I guess that's not surprising at this point. So what's it about?"

"Well, it seems that in honor of the prince's festivities, he's taken the liberty of providing us with some new formal clothing for the event."

"What?" He sat upright, his snack forgotten. "We're not gonna trot out the old cobweb and stripes?"

Lydia chuckled at his description. "He says that we're appearing as the Avatars of Life and Death, and so he'd like to see us dress the part. Plus I have to appear as a member of the royal family besides, so this is appropriate to my rank and will look good with my tiara." She shrugged, pushing his package at him. "I'm going to go try mine on."

"Do I have to bathe for this clam bake?" Beetlejuice asked, sulking.

"You know the answer to that. I'm very sensitive to smells right now, Beej."

"...yes, dear."

* * *

The day of the party arrived, and Lydia watched Beetlejuice pace around the living room in his new suit. It was very similar to what the Godfather had once given him to wear to Lydia's high school prom, an elegant black silk suit, which had then seen double duty as his wedding attire a few years later. However, his new suit jacket was solid black, with shiny lapels and a black button-down shirt, and over the shirt was a black and white striped vest that reminded him of his usual attire.

"The Godfather cuts a decent suit," he said. "You about ready, Babes?"

She moved over to adjust his bow tie for him. "You clean up nicely, you know," she said fondly. "I'll be down in a minute."

She returned a few minutes later, brushing at her skirts with some satisfaction. The gown the Fairy Godfather had sent her consisted of two parts. A pure white satin chemise flowed lightly over her pale form; covering this was an ivory velvet overdress, almost like a large jacket, enveloping her in generous folds of luxurious fabric. Silver ribbon laced up the front, allowing her to tighten or loosen the overdress as she needed. "Well? What do you think?" she inquired, straightening her tiara.

"You make anything look good, Babes. Gotta admit, though, it's weird not to see you in black."

"Yeah, this really isn't my preferred palette," she said with a laugh. "I'm a little too pale to carry this off most of the time. But the style is really pretty. The note says that he wanted me to have something I could adjust to fit my belly as it expands." She pulled the fabric taut, showing off her very small baby bump. "Apparently it's not unusual for a first pregnancy to be showing already at three months."

"Y'know, I actually think the Godfather is almost more excited for this kid than almost anybody else. Besides us, I mean," her husband remarked, putting a hand on the bump. " _Nobody's_ more excited than us. Right, Buggy boy?"

"I'm surprised, really," Lydia admitted. "Given how weirdly the prophecy is worded regarding our 'offspring,' I would have thought he'd be more concerned than excited."

"Hey! My kid can destroy as many worlds as he wants," Beetlejuice said defensively. "Come on, let's go show him off."


	2. We Know Who We Are

**Bug Princess and the Seven Months**

A _Beetlejuice_ fan fiction by Lady Norbert

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** This volume, as a warning, is going to take a while. I know what's going to happen, I know who's responsible, I'm just... not completely sure how I'm going to get there. It's also going to be slow updating, just to warn you, because things are a bit busy right now.

Thanks to Bookworm Gal and my buddy Rach for helping me name Vince's relatives.

* * *

 **Chapter Two: We Know Who We Are**

* * *

Everybody who was anybody was on the guest list for Prince Vince's anniversary ball. Even people who were nobody at all (like the Invisible Man) or _only_ a body (like the Headless Horseman) were included in the festivities. It was widely understood that his crooked black castle was bigger on the inside than it appeared from the outside; even so, there simply wasn't enough room for the entire assemblage. Of necessity, the goings-on spilled out into the palace exterior, and only the truly A-list individuals went inside.

There was no complaining about this, however. The majority of the prince's subjects enjoyed the celebrations outside, where the most revolting of refreshments flowed freely for all to partake. Such amusements as could be procured in the way of musicians and jesters roamed the grounds, delighting the masses. Their sovereign was genuinely well-loved on a regular day, but on a day like this - a day devoted to the happiness of his people - they could hardly have loved him more.

For some, the most entertaining part of the outdoor festivities was watching the arrival of those who were privy to the formal indoor portion of the ball. The Fairy Godfather's carriage never failed to attract notice, and he was quite at his ease as he alighted from it in full view of the celebrants. his walk up the long red carpet was slow; with Sonny and Fredo a respectful two paces behind him, he strolled toward the castle entrance, pausing to bestow his brief attention on one citizen or another.

At a distance, he caught sight of Mr. Monitor, who was grumbling to one of his assistants - probably about the fact that, with virtually the entire Neitherworld in attendance on the prince, there was no one remaining at home to watch the proceedings on television. The Godfather was no admirer of the network executive, and made a point of avoiding him as much as possible as he continued his leisurely walk.

He derived an odd sort of personal satisfaction from hearing the herald, as he stepped across the threshold, announce him as "Benefactor of the Neitherworld, His Eminence, the Fairy Godfather!" To be recognized as the general benefactor of all was pleasing. He and his devotees approached the dais, where Prince Vince was receiving the more formal guests, and made their obeisance.

"I'm so pleased to welcome you, Godfather," said the prince. He was clearly in good spirits. "Though I'm sorry that you were unable to bring Lady Delphine; I was so hoping to finally meet her."

"My old friend sends her regrets, Your Highness," he replied. "She had every intention of being here, and we had worked out the details of the situation - but Hugo seems to have come down with something severe enough that she didn't like to leave him unattended. Between ourselves, I think she may also still be sulking over once again losing at Monopoly."

"One of these days you're going to have to explain how all that came about between you," Prince Vince remarked with a smile. "In the meantime, please make yourself at home."

* * *

Much as he enjoyed the buffet spread and the mellow music pervading the castle, the Fairy Godfather was taking his own greatest entertainment in the same way that those outside were doing - watching the arrival of the Neitherworld upper crust. Some of these were to be expected, but others received honors that had members of the court whispering in confusion.

It had been several decades since he'd seen any of the prince's cousins. The royal family still within contact range was extremely small, consisting just of Prince Vince himself and three cousins, all of whom made a point of attending this soirée of his. The two younger arrived first, apparently having traveled together, and were announced accordingly. "Their Dismal Graces, Lord Milo and Lady Anahita of the Royal House of the Neitherworld, the children of the late lamented Duke Luke of the Disoriented Desert."

They had barely been ushered to their places at the formal dining table when the Juice family arrived - well, most of them. Donny was all beaming smiles and nervous tugs at his collar; his parents, who the Godfather suspected had never been at anything quite so decorous in their whole afterlives, kept staring around as though they weren't quite sure what they were doing there. The Juice family was quite old and respected, as proven when Beetlejuice himself had recovered the family coat of arms to prove their claims to such, but Bee and Gnat were such hardworking, down-to-earth (so to speak) sorts that they didn't think too much about it.

He wandered over to greet Donny. "Oh, Godfather!" exclaimed the younger ghoul. "I'm so glad to see you! Mother and Dad, this is the Fairy Godfather himself."

"I've heard so much about you," said Bee Juice, gushing a little. He was amused as she inspected him closely, peering at the folds of his suit and the arrangement of his pocket handkerchief. "Just look at you! Not a hair out of place. So well dressed and tidy! Mr. Godfather, I really can't thank you for everything you've done for my sons and daughter-in-law. I don't know what this family would have done without you."

"Bee, don't embarrass the gentleman," her husband admonished in a soft, gravelly voice. He fingered one of the bolts in his neck absently. "She's right, though. We're very grateful that you've been so good to our boys, especially Junior."

"He means Beetlejuice," Donny mumbled quietly.

"Speaking of whom, where are the expectant parents?"

"They should be here any time. Probably had to wait until Junior finished up his day's work," Gnat added. The father was clearly very pleased that his elder son had a job - for which, to be fair, it was hard to blame him considering "Junior's" lazy tendencies.

"Announcing -"

"What? That's entirely too contrived that they would enter while we're talking about them," the Godfather protested mildly. But it wasn't them.

"Her Benighted Highness, Lilura of the Royal House of the Neitherworld, Countess of the Eastern Wastes, arch-mage of the Seventh-and-a-Half Circle, daughter of the late lamented Marquis Gustaf, Keeper of the Keys of Falmarch." On these words, a tall and graceful ghoul who bore strong resemblance to Prince Vince glided through the room and toward the dais.

"What did _any_ of that mean?" Donny wondered.

"Countess Lilura is Prince Vince's heiress apparent," explained the Godfather. "His father was also named Prince Vince before him, and he had two siblings - Duke Luke and Marquise Louise. Louise was Lilura's mother. Somebody in that family really had a fondness for rhyme... perhaps that's where the prince acquired his own affection for poetry."

"Right, but - arch-mage of the Seventh-and-a-Half Circle? Keeper of the Keys?"

"Falmarch is an old royal residence parked on some little plot of land in the southeastern part of the kingdom, where all the doors are locked and she has the only known set of keys. As for that circle business, that's really just puffery. She's got plenty of magic, certainly, but she only gets to be arch-mage by dint of being the only member of that particular circle."

"Not a democratically elected position, then, I gather."

Lilura was prettier than Vince, naturally, though her face was green and pointed much like his. Her black hair was coiled down her back in a long pair of braids, and she wore a gold coronet which neatly matched his own. He seemed to be welcoming her most effusively. "So if the prince ever decided to step down, or move on, or what have you - this Lilura would become the Princess of the Neitherworld?" inquired Bee.

"Indeed. I know little of her, so I cannot guess whether that would be a good thing or not," the Godfather admitted.

"I thought you knew everything about everybody!" said Donny.

"Nearly. I'm working on it," he said with a faint smile. "The farther away from my residence a ghoul is found, the more difficult a matter it is for me to learn about them - and I do have my fingers in more than the average share of pies such as it is. So I've not yet had the pleasure of making an extensive study of Her Benighted Highness's situation and disposition."

"You know, if Brother were here, I bet he'd call that a plot point."

* * *

It wasn't hard to guess when Beetlejuice and Lydia arrived, and that was only partly due to the fact that one of them was quite loud. Hearing the exterior party grow somewhat more noisome, the Fairy Godfather looked out curiously and saw the black-suited apparition playing around on the red carpet, posturing and blowing kisses. "My fans," he said in a joyful tone. "They can't get enough of me!"

Beyond him, Lydia's white velvet figure had alighted from their carriage, and was waiting with clear annoyance. Finally she cleared her throat, or so the Godfather guessed. " _Beetlejuice_."

"Oh, uh... right, Lyds." He went back to let her take his arm, but she continued to give him a rebuking look. " _Whaaat?_ "

"Oh, never mind." In spite of herself, she chuckled.

The Godfather made his way back to the rest of the Juice family, alerting them to the new arrivals just seconds before the court herald could beat him to it. "Her Ladyship, Lydia, Princess of Beetles of the Royal House of the Neitherworld, Cutest Mortal to Visit the Afterlife, She Who Holds the Leash, Avatar of Life. Accompanied by her husband... Beetlejuice, self-proclaimed Ghost With the Most, Most Hated Person in the Neitherworld, the Tethered, Avatar of Death."

"That... is a mouthful," Donny observed tactfully, watching them cross the room to greet Prince Vince.

"Indeed." Something was niggling at the back of the Godfather's mind, and he strode purposefully toward the dais. The prince was plainly delighted by the new arrivals, and immediately turned to show off his 'sister' to his royal cousins, seated nearby. The Godfather sidled up behind them just as the introductions were being made.

"I trust there's an explanation for this," said Lord Milo, looking mildly amused. "You didn't have a sister the last time we were in town."

"It's a bit of a long story," the prince admitted, "and I'll be more than happy to regale you with the details. Unless you've started using Tumblr, in which case you can read about it at your leisure."

"Forgive the interruption, lords and ladies," the Godfather interjected, "but I had to come and welcome the newcomers. Princess, you're looking very well indeed." She appeared more deathly pale than she usually did upon entering the Neitherworld; her glamour, or rather the one Beetlejuice conjured for her, was in full force, and her sunken eyes sparkled.

"Godfather, thank you so much for the beautiful gown, and Beetlejuice's suit too. You're really too good to us."

"Not at all, my dear, not at all. Would you all excuse us? Beetlejuice's family has been eager to see these two." With a brief bow, the Godfather ushered the pair gently away from the dais and toward Gnat and Bee. "Pardon the interference," he said in lower tones.

He suspected Lydia wanted to ask him about the abrupt maneuver, and likely would have done so if she hadn't been diverted by her in-laws. Bee was eager to hear how the pregnancy was progressing - was she eating well, getting enough rest, and other matters that were only of real importance due to the mother's mortality. To his surprise, however, it was Beetlejuice who pulled him aside.

"I saw what you did there, F. G.," he said quietly. "This more prophecy stuff? I need to be worried about something?"

"Ask me no questions just now... it may come to nothing in the end."

"Right, that's always _so_ reassuring."


	3. Her Gentle Grace

**Bug Princess and the Seven Months**

* * *

A _Beetlejuice_ fan fiction by Lady Norbert

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** I had no intention of going more than two months without updating! I thought I'd be back at it shortly after my birthday celebration, in early September; among other highlights, I had dinner at Beetle House in NYC and Beetlejuice himself kissed my hand and wished me a happy birthday. (Yes, really. One does not turn forty every day; therefore, one must make a giant fuss.) Anyway, upon returning to reality, things got very crazy in a lot of different parts of my life, and truthfully, there just hasn't been much time or energy left over for creative endeavors. I hope you find this chapter worth the wait. I'm afraid I can't promise speedy updates, because it's the holiday season and I work retail, but I'll do my best.

This goes out to the Beetle Babes (they know who they are), whose goofy chatroom conversation inspired a particular bit of this chapter, and especially to bd-z, from whom I swiped a bit of headcanon.

* * *

 **Chapter Three: Her Gentle Grace**

* * *

There were few things Beetlejuice loved more than a good party, and there were few people who threw a better one than Prince Vince. He let himself drift around the room lazily, now and then swiping a drink or a plate of hors d'oeuvres.

No matter where in the room he floated, or whose conversation he elected to interrupt, he maintained a vantage point from which he could watch his wife. It was really strange to see her decked out in shades of white, he had to admit; Lydia had never lost her fondness for black and other dark shades. The whites were appropriate to her rank, he supposed, with the whole 'light is good' mentality and so forth. Still, it was weird to him. Not a bad weird, though.

Turning his head for a moment, however, he spotted another familiar face.

"Yo, Will! What's shakin'?" he called, floating over to greet one of the only Neitherworld denizens who actually really liked him.

"Beetlejuice, my old friend," said the bard pleasantly, shaking hands. "It's been too long."

"Whatcha been up to lately? I ain't seen ya since Lyds had that report for school and we helped break the dam on your writer's block." Beetlejuice chuckled, wiping an imaginary nostalgic tear from his eye. "Ah, good times."

"I'm in the midst of a new play, actually!" Shakespeare beamed. "What you told me about Romeo attempting to woo Lydia away from Castle MacBeth gave me the inspiration. My hero climbs to the balcony in search of his lady fair, only to be confronted by the ghost of her long-dead uncle who tries to order him away from the castle. When he refuses to go, the uncle's ghost whips out a chainsaw and cuts off the balcony. The hero crashes to the ground -"

"Where does the ghost get a chainsaw?" Beetlejuice interrupted.

"Where did _you_ get one?"

"...touché."

"I admit, it still needs polish." The playwright shrugged. "Perhaps you and Lydia can drop by sometime soon and give me your thoughts on the script thus far."

"I'm sure Lyds'd be up for that, if she's not feeling too sick."

"Ah, yes. The first few months are the most trying, as I recall." Shakespeare sighed a bit wistfully. "When my dear Anne was expecting our twins..."

"Twins? Who said anything about twins?!" Beetlejuice's eyes widened in comic mania. "Twice the chaos! Man, that'd be fun!"

"Mm. Lydia will likely not soon forgive me for putting that idea in your head." Chuckling, Shakespeare made a sort of shooing motion. "You'd best get back to your royal mingling. I'll come and give my regards to your lady before the night is over."

* * *

Smirking delightedly at the prospect of multiplying his offspring's reign of terror in the Neitherworld, Beetlejuice started to meander back in the direction of his better half. Before he could get very far, however, a voice arrested his attention.

"It's Beetlejuice, am I right?"

He did a pivot in midair and eyed the speaker. "Lord Milo, yeah? Vince's cousin? Hi, how ya doin'?" _Speaking of twins..._

"How do you do?" Milo was so similar in appearance to his sister that Beetlejuice wondered if he would be able to tell them apart if he met them on the street. The twins were purplish in complexion, though they had black hair like Vince and their other cousin, and small brightly colored wings protruded from their shoulders. He was pretty sure they were more for looks than for actual flight.

"So - what can I do ya for, Lordship?" Beetlejuice tossed a cockroach cluster into the air and caught it in his mouth.

"Actually, I just had a question, if you would indulge me." Milo's expression was placidly bland, kind of like Vince's when he ran out of things to make him miserable.

"Sure, I guess. What's on your mind?"

"Your wife - I heard the herald introduce her as the Princess of Beetles. I'm unfamiliar with the title. Would you be so kind as to explain it to me?"

"Oh, that." Beetlejuice shrugged, and smiled. "Well, a bunch of months back, Wifey-Babes and I got ourselves into a bit of a scrape. Long story, but if you go back through the archives on Tumblr I bet you can find bits of it. Anyway, we were separated and she was pretty down in the dumps about it, so our good buddy Vince kind of adopted her to cheer her up. He calls her his sister ever since then, and plopped that tiara on her head to make it sort of official."

"Interesting. It seems I've been out of touch with my cousins longer than I realized," came the thoughtful reply. "We certainly didn't mean to be remiss in welcoming a new member into the family; news of such a thing never reached us out in the Dismal Desert."

"Guess you don't get much television out your way? That hack Monitor had his people all over it - all over a lot of what's happened these last couple years, actually. I kinda thought the whole Neitherworld was on top of the developments."

"Television? Ah, no. We have _access_ to it," Milo clarified, and something about his tone didn't sit quite comfortably on Beetlejuice's ear, "but rarely find the interest. Still, I must be sure to pay my respects to Her Ladyship, now that I'm aware of the connection. I hope she's willing to forgive the oversight."

"Oh, if you're worried about givin' offense, you can rest easy on that score. Lyds didn't know any more about you than you did about her, as far as I know. Besides, my girl's not one to hold a grudge even when she really should - which is good news for _me_ , know what I mean?"

"That's comforting. If you'll excuse me, I should explain the situation to my sister. We'll both look forward to getting to know you and the Princess better in the near future." And with a slight bow, Lord Milo left, making his way back to where Lady Anahita looked rather bored out of her mind.

"Huh." Beetlejuice watched him walk away. "I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I just had a conversation with the plot."

* * *

Given his wife's delicate condition, he decided not to enlighten her on the substance of his conversation with Lord Milo. After all, it might not have meant anything, and what was the point of possibly worrying her over nothing? She had enough on her mind, what with the kid.

One aspect of Lydia's pregnancy in particular tended to cause some discussion and contemplation among those who knew about it, and Beetlejuice imagined that Lydia herself thought about it more than anyone. It was sort of an open secret at this point; they didn't discuss it much with anyone in the Neitherworld except their own circle of friends and relations, all of whom were united in asking one question in particular... namely, just what _was_ the kid?

"I wish I knew how to answer that question," Lydia was saying when he drifted back into her vicinity. She was conversing with Bee, Donny, Vince, and Ginger, who had since joined the group. "The baby has a mostly living mother and a mostly dead father. I'm not sure there's even a word for such a thing, to be honest."

"Could be _babies,_ " her husband retorted by way of announcing himself. "I just had the wildest chat with our old buddy Shakespeare - didja know he had kids? He mentioned his twins and I can't stop thinking about the possibilities." He grinned.

Lydia, her expression only very faintly disturbed, glanced down at her tiny excuse for a baby bump. "You think that's likely?"

"It's possible, dear," said Bee. "Junior and Donny are twins, you know."

"They are? Beetlejuice, you never told me that!"

"I kinda forget about it myself, more often than not," he admitted.

"We're fraternal," Donny added. "Brother is older than me by a good fifteen minutes, and we do look a lot alike - when he bathes - but not identical."

"So it runs in the family, is what you're telling me." She shook her head, slightly nonplussed. "Every time I think I know everything there is to know about you, along comes another surprise. Ooh!" She pointed across the room at the buffet spread, where a large tray laden with fruit had just been added to one end of the table. "Apples!"

"Apples?" Ginger repeated.

"Weirdest thing." Lydia laughed. "A lot of women get strange cravings when they're pregnant, but for me, it's just regular old apples. I can't get enough of them sometimes."

"Who can ever get enough of nature's toothbrushes?" asked Donny.

"I made sure to have plenty on hand," said Vince. "I know how fond you are of them, Donny, and between that and my dear sister's situation, it seemed only proper."

"Thoughtful as ever, Vince. Beej, can you go grab me a couple?"

"Sure thing, Babes."

He meandered to the other side of the room and gave the fruit a thorough examination before selecting three. A little farther down the table, he observed two of the less refined courtiers arguing over... a piece of shrimp, maybe? He wasn't quite sure.

"You didn't want it," one was protesting.

"Of course I did! I licked it, it's mine!"

Snickering, Beetlejuice decided that he didn't really want to know. As he started to turn away from the table, he found himself accosted by another royal cousin - the Countess, this time. She was kind of like a prettier version of Vince, not that he'd ever stopped to imagine such a thing, and the eyes which scrutinized him were sharp.

"It's... Lilura, yeah?"

"Quite. We meet at last, and I'm told that it's none too soon since you somewhat married into the family by way of your wife's adoption."

"Heh, yeah. Crazy the way this old world works. Listen, I need to get these back to the wife - care to join us and we'll get all the formal introductions done at one go?"

"Certainly. Lead the way."

She allowed him to escort her back to where the others were still talking. "Hey, Lyds, the plot keeps following me around, I think," he said, presenting her with the apples she'd requested.

"Oh, good, Lilura," said Vince, his voice almost uncharacteristically cheerful. He extended an arm toward her, which she immediately took. "I've been hoping you two would get acquainted. Lilura and I were raised together for a time during our grandfather's late reign - we were as close as brother and sister might be."

"Aren't we still, Vince?" the Countess asked sweetly, smiling up at him. There was something unsettling (and a little sickening) about the way she hung on him.

"Of course! And now with Lydia in the family, the girl cousins fully outnumber the boys. The two of you and Anahita will no doubt want to have tea sometime, and go over all the sordid family history."

Lydia smiled. "I'm at your disposal, Your Highness," she said, before taking a bite of the first apple. "Mmm. Lovely."

"Bug likes apples, does he?" Vince's look for Lydia was fond.

"Bug?" Lilura repeated.

"My kid," Beetlejuice explained. "Kid-in-progress, anyway. Bug Juice."

"Well, goodness, Vince. The day is just _full_ of surprises," she said mildly. "Not only did you not tell us we have a new cousin to enjoy, but you kept it to yourself that you're to be an uncle!" She swatted him teasingly, but there was an edge to the gesture that didn't strike Beetlejuice as entirely playful.

"My apologies, Lily. I should have been more thorough in my correspondence," he said. "And my word, _where_ are my manners? I haven't even introduced the rest of my friends! The herald made Lydia and Beetlejuice known to you, of course, but this is Ginger the dancing spider, and Beetlejuice's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Juice. And this is Donny, his brother."

"Donny and Vince are thick as thieves these days," Beetlejuice said, pillowing his elbow on his brother's shoulder. The whole interaction had a really weird vibe about it; something was incredibly off. But the only thing he could pinpoint for certain was that Donny, normally the social butterfly (er, Dobsonfly) of the family, seemed oddly subdued and uncertain. At Beetlejuice's words, however, he brightened a bit.

"Well, with you two in the Outerworld so often, we've come to somewhat rely on one another for companionship in your absence," Vince replied. "Really, I'm only sorry we weren't acquainted sooner."

Lilura looked up at her cousin's expression again, as if absorbing something from it, before turning to Donny. "I'm exceptionally pleased to meet you, then, Donny. Any friend of my favorite cousin's is a friend of mine."

"Mine. Oh hey, Lyds, that reminds me of something I overheard at the buffet table."

She finished chewing and swallowed her mouthful of apple. "What's that, Beej?"

Trying (and failing miserably) to hide a smirk, he left Donny to return to Lydia's side, putting his chin on her shoulder so they were cheek to cheek. Then, turning quickly, he dragged his long striped tongue across her skin. True to form, she gave a shriek, more of amusement than disgust, and wiped her face with one hand.

"Beetlejuice, what are you _doing_?" asked Ginger, baffled.

"What? I licked her, she's mine!"


	4. This Is No Ordinary Apple

**Bug Princess and the Seven Months**

A _Beetlejuice_ fan fiction by Lady Norbert

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** I know, I know, I _know_. I'm sorry. 2017 was really hard on me and 2018 isn't being a picnic either. But I'm trying. It doesn't help that my _Dragon Age_ muses have basically taken over (looking at you, Varric Tethras). But I was determined that at the very least, I was going to get _one_ new chapter out before I depart for my annual convention in May... so here you go.

(The convention in question is Zenkaikon, in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. If you're going to be on hand, let me know; I'm a panelist!)

* * *

 **Chapter Four: This Is No Ordinary Apple**

* * *

The hardest part of his impending uncle-dom, for Donny, was the difference in the way time passed.

He knew, of course, thanks to the strange setup of his brother's marriage, that the Neitherworld and the Outerworld operated on extremely different time tables. Lydia could be in the Neitherworld for weeks on end and have it go virtually unnoticed by the Outerworld. This had its advantages, of course, especially when Beetlejuice managed to drag her into a disaster; that time she was sentenced to wash dishes at the Resort of Last Resort was a perfect example.

For the matter at hand, however, Donny felt that the unequal time exchange put him at a distinct disadvantage. No matter how hard he worked to make time pass for himself, Lydia's pregnancy seemed to be advancing by mere inches by comparison. He spent a week visiting Uncle Sid and Aunt Irma; he undertook a goodwill mission at Prince Vince's urging to an orphanage not too far from the Middle of Nowhere; he even went to Sherwood Forest to find out whether the former Sheriff of Rotting-ham was still marauding. (He was.)

Yet with all of that, Lydia was only at the beginning of her fifth month by the time he returned.

"I don't mean to complain," he told Vince, sitting down on the dais next to the throne and looking just a bit forlorn. "I know these things have to happen in the proper time! It's just... really hard to wait."

"Oh, I quite understand," Vince assured him. He was lounged sideways in the throne, legs draped over one armrest, writing in his journal. "I've written a number of poems on the matter. You know, I'm considering producing a chapbook of some of my better poetry, perhaps as a welcome gift for our impending nephew."

"I'm sure Lydia will appreciate your thoughtfulness." Donny politely refrained from speculating about how Beetlejuice would respond to such a gift. Besides, he was fairly sure that Vince had a pretty good idea of what sort of reaction he could expect.

" _Sweet the child of mother fair, black as night her raven hair..._ " Vince frowned at the page. "I'm not sure this one is working."

Donny chuckled. "You'll get it. You always do."

"Your vote of confidence is treasured as always, my dear friend." Vince smiled. "Are you planning a visit to the Outerworld? You mentioned after the anniversary party that you were considering making a sojourn, at some point."

"Yes, fairly soon. I'll be paying a call on the Fairy Godfather," Donny added. "He seems to think it's only right that one of us should go and keep Lydia company for a spell - it's a shame your duties keep you from coming with me."

"I know, I would love to return to the Outerworld. It was so enjoyable." Vince sighed. "And your brother has crafted the most delightful residence for his family. I suppose he'll be enlarging the farmhouse? As I recall, they only had one spare bedroom."

"They're turning that one into the nursery." Donny nodded. "Brother said he's thinking of building a matching guest house out near the garage, sort of a smaller version of the farmhouse. I think he wants to give their guests some privacy from baby cries and that sort of thing. It's remarkably considerate of him!"

"I'm impressed." Vince chuckled. "Becoming a father has had quite the influence on our rambunctious compatriot. Though I don't discount the other good influences he's surely had in yourself and Lydia."

"Aw, I don't do much," Donny demurred. "He's my brother and I love him. That's really all it is."

* * *

Donny was in a good mood when he left the castle a while later. He needed to go and see the Fairy Godfather; the 'benefactor of the Neitherworld' was really quite lenient about enabling both Donny and Vince, when the latter could spare the time, to travel to the Outerworld to see their respective siblings. But there were certain formalities which had to be observed, including offering the Godfather a token of appreciation. To that end, therefore, he made his way to the Marketplace Across the River from the castle.

He rather liked this particular venue. Unlike the Shocking Mall ("with grossness from wall to wall"), the Marketplace Across the River was more in line with a medieval market. There were tents and stalls of assorted sizes and colors, where merchants who were also of assorted sizes and colors could peddle their wares, which were _also_ of assorted sizes and colors.

"The Fairy Godfather likes sweet things," he recalled, studying the assorted offerings. "And I really need to get something for Lydia, too, it wouldn't do to go empty-handed when I trespass on her hospitality."

The first objective was easily obtained; a delicious cake was sitting on center display at the baker's stall. But the second required some thought, because whatever he brought for Lydia couldn't stand out _too_ obviously in the Outerworld. One never knew when her parents might drop in for an unexpected visit, after all, and he didn't want to force her to invent clever explanations for things if he could help it. Cake in hand, Donny made his way slowly through the Marketplace, studying each vendor's offerings.

"You look a bit lost, sonny," said a voice.

Turning, he saw an old woman standing behind the counter of a fruit stand. "Well, I don't think I'd say I'm _lost_ , exactly," he replied, and then chuckled. "Lost in thought, perhaps."

"You're on the hunt for just the right thing, aren't you?" She smiled, a shrewd expression such as one might expect from a seasoned merchant. "Let me guess. A gift for a special someone?"

"My sister-in-law." Donny beamed proudly. "She's expecting."

"Ah, well, that's terribly important! You'll want her to keep in good health, yes? I might have what you need right here." The crone watched him with one good eye, gesturing grandly to her assorted fruits.

"Oh, what a wonderful thought!" He peered curiously at the baskets of berries and sweet nectarines. "You know, Lydia told me she has the most intense craving for apples. Do you happen to have any?"

"I'm afraid I've sold my apples," she replied in a regretful tone. Seeing his disappointed expression, however, she paused. "Well, most of them. I did save one for my own lunch," she admitted.

"Do you suppose you might sell it?" he asked hopefully. "I would hate to disappoint her."

The crone hesitated, and Donny put on what he hoped was his most charming grin. A twinkle came into the eye that peered at him, and she chuckled.

"Oh, who could say no to that face? Here you are."

* * *

Some while later, having essentially traded a delicious chocolate cake for passage to the Outerworld, Donny was knocking on the door of the Beetleman farmhouse.

"Donny!" Lydia gave a chuckle. "What a wonderful surprise. Come in, I was just going through some of my digital photos, but I'm happy to take a break."

"Well, don't you just have that delightful maternal glow about you," he replied warmly, stepping into the house. "Have you eaten?"

"Oh, not you too." She laughed. "Please don't tell me you brought me a beetle or something along those lines?"

"Oh, no. I leave that entirely to my brother the exterminator," he assured her. "I've brought you something else." With a flourish, he presented the large, gleaming red apple. "Direct from a very generous fruit seller in the Neitherworld!"

"That is so thoughtful, Donny, thank you! This is just what I've been wanting, and we ran out last night." Lydia led him into their cozy little kitchen and gesturing for him to sit at the table. "I admit," she said, getting a paring knife from the drawer, "I've heard of women having strange cravings while they're expecting - but apples? That doesn't seem so strange. But I can't get enough of them for some reason, I think it's driving BJ crazy."

"Well, it's not like Brother can get much crazier," said Donny affably.

"True. He won't shut up about the baby, though, it's starting to drive _me_ crazy. He talks all the time about how his son is going to be a troublemaker just like him." She shook her head and cut a piece of apple. "This looks fantastic, thank you."

"That is my nephew you're toting around - or niece," he amended. "It's the least I could do for you."

Smiling, she put the apple piece in her mouth, chewing contentedly and swallowing. "That's del..." She blinked.

"Lydia?"

"Donny? Where did you say you got this from?"

"A nice lady selling fruit in the marketplace near Prince Vince's castle. Why?"

"I... I think there's something wrong... I feel... ooh..." She slumped sideways, almost falling out of the kitchen chair, and Donny dove to catch her before she could be hurt.

* * *

Donny managed to get her to the sofa, settling her as comfortably as he could, and kept saying her name, trying to rouse her. By the time his brother came home, she'd been out cold for over an hour and Donny was starting to grow frantic.

"She was eating an apple and passed out?" BJ said, frowning, after hearing about the events. He was still in the human disguise.

"Yes! And I can't wake her up!"

"Hmm." Looking suspicious, BJ picked up the abandoned fruit and sniffed. "Something's wrong. I can smell trouble, and it sure doesn't smell like an apple. Well, no sweat, Donny. I know how to fix this."

"You do?"

"Well, yeah. We've been through enough crap," he said calmly. "Lyds is a princess. Kissing a princess fixes everything."

"Are you sure?" This sounded really illogical to Donny, even coming from Beetlejuice.

"Sure I'm sure! Watch." Still calm, he walked over to the sofa. "Hi, honey, I'm home," he muttered, almost sarcastically, and proceeded to kiss his wife.

Nothing happened.

"Huh... that usually works." He tried it again. She remained immobile, almost lifeless. "Okay, something is really wrong."

"What do we do, brother? I feel just terrible, I had no idea there was anything wrong with the apple! I never would have -"

"Donny, calm down." BJ was doing a pretty good job of pretending he wasn't panicked. "I know you wouldn't hurt Lyds. I need to call in the cavalry, this is a little out of my area."

"The cavalry?" Donny repeated. "Who?"

"Friend of ours down in New Orleans. If I don't miss my guess, either she'll know how to put things in order or she'll know someone who does."


End file.
